Down

Few hours back I call my kids, asking bout their day. Like usual, they tell me what they do during day time. We talk bout lots of thing, bout their fav cartoon, bout their fav food, bout their ambition, what they have for their breakfast, lunch & dinner etc. I asked them if they miss & love me (a stupid question huh?) and they say they really miss & love me. I feel very sad and cry silently, control my voice tone and talk like normal. Don't want them to suspect something on me. I tell them that I missed them so much & love them with all my heart. They asked me to take good care of myself and promise to call me tomorrow morning. Honestly, I'm touched when my daughter said like that. Before this, only my married-guy-boyfriend keep telling me the same thing everyday and now, my daughter do the same thing.

10 minutes after end the conversation with my kids, my boyfriend call me using his office line. While we talk, he got a phone call from his sons which is now at Labuan to spend their school holidays. He asked me to hold the line while he answer the phone, I can hear clearly his conversation with his son which is crying coz too much missing him and his wife. The way he threat his sons, make me think that how lucky is his son to have papa like him. And how unlucky my kids coz not having their dad when they are growing. I tell him how I feel, and he asked me not to remember the very sad part in my life, which is actually I already throw away from my life. It's just come up suddenly when I heard his conversation with his sons.

Few minutes later, he asked me to hold on again coz his wife is on his mobile's line. He answer and once again, I can hear clearly what did he talk with his wife. When he hang his wife's line, he talk with me. This part, I got no comment coz this is private conversation between me and my boyfriend.

I asked him, did he regret when we declared? He say he never regret, so do I. Just sometime I feel guilty. For what reason, let me and God keep it as a secret. Even my boyfriend also I didn't tell him. I am so happy with him, and don't want to start this topic even I know he understand me very well. Tell me I'm selfish, I'm a bad girl, I don't care coz I am! It's my life!

I got offer from my dad's doctor, asking me to work with him and lead the admin of his new company. I know this person and he really want me to incharge the admin as he likes the way I communicate with him and his nurse each time I visited his clinic, of course when my kids is not well. The starting basic is low for me as I have 2 kids that are growing now. But my boyfriend asked me to talk with that person, try to discuss everything. He prefer me to come back to Sabah coz it's better for me, near to my kids, my family, him (he didn't tell directly but he said even he in the last list for me to come back to Sabah, he don't care as long I come back, so can I say that he tell me directly? hmmmmm).

Tonite I feel very down coz too much missing my kids, I miss to hug them, miss to play together with them, miss to argue with my son which is sometimes not listen to me, miss to sleep in the middle of the bed and both of them hug me in the mid of nite while they are sleeping, miss forcing my son to eat vege (same like my boyfriend, not eating vege huh), miss argue with my daughter to do her hair, miss everything bout them. It's hard for me, but I have to be strong for them. I have to be EXTREMELY STRONG for them. Thanks God I have full support from my boyfriend. When I feel very down, need someone to talk, he always there for me, giving full support of emotions. He calm me even he is in KK and I'm in KL.

Sometime I wondering, why must my life journey is like this? I never ask for this. Well, maybe it's my faith, be a single mum when I just 19 YEARS OLD!!! Still young and suppose to focus on my study, but at that time I'm busy with my divorce case at Syariah Court. I never ask for this!!! It's make my self-esteem is below negative!!! But I have to think bout my kid's future. Everything bout them is in my hand, so I have to think properly. Every decision is about my daughter and son.

Friend which know my real story said I'm strong! Almost everybody say like that (don't know if it's just a sweet talk, wallahualam). But they don't know what have I gone through! I got a very hard journey since I'm divorced. Let it be, it's passed already right? All I need is to focus on my kid's life now. I wanna them having life 100 times better than me.

So, I have to motivate myself!!!